3 In the Morning
by Rot-Chan
Summary: Sasuke has rollers. Karin is writing angsty drivel in her diary. And...Suigetsu is 'sexing-up' his fish-shaped pillow. Late nights with the wunder kids. ::Taka humor two-shot. Crack.::
1. The waterbed, the rollers, and the diary

**Title**:** "3 In the Morning"**

**Author**: FrenchBeats aka** Rot-chan**

**Prompts**: not seeing the forest for the trees; 'diary', 'trap', 'hotel'

**Rating**: T

**Summary**: Sasuke's rollers, Juugo's iguanas, & Suigetsu's fish-shaped pillow. What do they have in common? They're discovered in room 247, inside the hotel of horrors where insomnia is the beast . . . or is something eviler lurking? Taka crack one-shot.

**Notes**: I felt like writing a crack one-shot, based on the horrors of spending the night in a hotel when it's unplanned. Dedicated to everyone who hates Karin, loves Sasuke, and/or has had a bad stay at a horrid motel. Review, please. How do I do with crack? Let me know. 

* * *

**Somewhere in Sound - 11 PM - **

After traveling all day, and tiring of hearing Juugo talk about the mating cylce of iguanas, Sasuke found at the last minute (key word: last minute) a nice cozy road side motel, complete with a howling dog and the sound of someone throwing their whiskey bottle at their prostitute.

And once again, the Taka was awake at 3 AM. But this time, it wasn't from Suigetsu 'making love' to his fish shaped pillow in his sleep (that had happened two hours earlier) or from Juugo staying up to read Naked Lunch again – it was from something much more disturbing, as Karin had screamed in her sleep, waking everybody up.

Rubbing his eyes, Suigetsu yawned, "Geez, hag, can't you like, start dreaming about something good for a change?" He fumbled for his water bottle – and cringed when he found an old bottle of used KY Adultery Apple under the bed instead.

"Hey Karin, wanna get it on tonight?" Suigetsu asked cheekily before tossing her the gross bottle, grinning as she squeaked and threw it elsewhere, straight out the window. Oops . . . .

Still flustered, Karin said, "You're disgusting! And don't you remember how you, you - 'sexed-up' your pillow? And anyway, you have no business asking me about _my_ dreams."

Suigetsu smiled, "O-ooo-h, so it was X rated then."

He stuck out his tongue at her and dodged the corny nightstand bible Karin threw at his head in rage. Karin said venomously, "_Why_ am I having so many weird dreams? Because I have to look at your face before I go to sleep!"

Juugo, who had been woken up from their screams, said wearily, "Dreams are just a look into the subconscious mind."

Suigetsu rolled his eyes and said, "Wow, thanks professor, what ever would you do without your bank of knowledge?"

Flushing with anger, Karin screeched, "Stop being such a jackass!"

Taking a drink, Suigetsu paused at her words at her words, his grin almost cracking his face. "Awww, look at this – Karin is HOT for Juugo! You were dreaming about him, weren't you?"

"I-I was certainly not!-"

Ignoring Karin's stammering and Juugo's blush, Suigetsu sang, "Firecrotch 'n Meathead, sittin' in a tree. K I -"

A low voice from across the room uttered, "Suigetsu . . . ."

"- S, S, I, N-"

"Enough!"

Everyone turned to stare at a white ghost looming over them – Karin on the single bed, Suigetsu on the window sill, Juugo on the too-tiny air mattress wheezing under his weight – but oh wait, that wasn't a ghost. It was Sasuke, unfortunately.

Suigetsu started laughing when he took in the Uchiha's disheveled appearance. The boy's spiky hair was now a rat's nest, filled with down feathers and chewed up spit balls – and was that a roller in the back of his head?

Sasuke had ended up on the water bed of all places, which was glowing and throwing him around, his usually keen reflexes failing against the bed with dead goldfish and sparkly gems floating around inside.

In a sleepy haze, Sasuke narrowed his eyes and threw the closest thing he could find, a tacky glass Siamese cat, at the other man -

- and the laughter died and turned to horrified and girlish screams when the vase, which was really an urn, exploded against Suigetsu's head, sending ashes everywhere.

"I-I-I have a. . . a dead person on me!" Karin gasped, horrified, dusting herself off and throwing off the sheets in disgust.

Suigetsu opened the other window, and the . . . corpse cloud disappeared. A few minutes later, everything had calmed down and Karin shakily began to 'angst' about her woes in her diary.

"You're writing in your diary now?" Sasuke asked incredulously, before the water bed somehow rippled up and bitch slapped him across the face.

"What's it to – wait. This . . ." Karin held up a weird black book with banana scratch-and-sniff stickers all over both sides. "This isn't my diary."

Suigetsu shoved Juugo's head out of the way and peered over Karin's shoulder as Sasuke fell off the bed and, with some dignity still in tact, dusted himself off and went to see what all the commotion was about.

"Dear diary . . ." Karin began slowly.

"Today I went to the store and bought more cupcakes for Bertha."

Suigetsu laughed and said, though a bit anxiously, "Wow, this is pretty stupid!" Sasuke, silencing him, read where Karin left off.

"Dear Diary . . ." Sasuke read suspiciously.

"Bertha is getting restless. She scratches at the door at night. I must keep her fed, or else . . . . The bad people will come again." Everyone was silent as they stared at what seemed to be a strange porpoise humanoid drawn in a childlike way beside the strangely neat scrawl.

"Um, this is really weird," Karin said, her voice shaky, having the unsettling feeling that someone was watching them. (cue the disturbing horror music.)

Sasuke backed away from the book, going back to the waterbed to search for his sword . . . but it was no where to be found.

"Dear diary . . ." Juugo read, breathing shallowly.

"Bertha is growing. She is so beautiful. Her teeth are already 3 centimeters long, and . . . her songs, she sings for me . . . so beautiful . . . . the perfect creation of my intelligence and genius. They cannot tell me otherwise!!. . . ."

Karin felt the walls beginning to close in as she took in a crude drawing of the half-human thing swallowing a stickman whole; it was the bloody smudges all over the pages that made her have a terrible chill crawl up her back.

Grabbing the book, Suigetsu read aloud, "Dear Diary . . . I must keep Bertha in room 247, in the motel. I MUST SHE CAN'T GET LOOSE BERTHA HUNGRY SKIN ITCHY ITCHY TASTY -"

Too immersed in the horror of the book to notice the strange thumping sounds lurking towards their room, their backs to the door, Sasuke said, "We're – we're in room-"

"T-two f-fourty seven!" They shrieked at once.

Suigetsu, still holding the book, read aloud, "Look behind you." "What. . .?-"

Then, Karin screamed.

–

"Great job, Sasuke."

"It's not my fault that this is happening."

"Sasuke. We're being SEX TRAFFIKED. To MEXICO! Or something."

"You picked the hotel, chicken ass!"

"Right, says the one with the fluidic anatomy."

"SHUT _**THE HELL**_ UP IN THERE!" A booming voice called to the back of the train car as the four froze in fright. Well, they couldn't exactly freeze, since they were tied up to each other.

"Ah, well. At least we're together," Juugo said with an unnaturally cheerful smile, which made everyone squirm uncomfortably.

"Yeah, I'm stuck next to this guy. How lucky," Karin muttered, frowning as her glasses slid down her nose, unable to push them back up do to her lack of arms at the moment.

Sasuke sighed. "So the hotel was a trap along. I should've known. Maybe if _someone_ wasn't talking about how iguanas _hump_ each other, we wouldn't be here right now!" Sasuke said. Did I mention that when he got no sleep, he developed a third (yes, a third) personality?

Karin sighed and said, "Oh, Sasuke. You're so dreamy when you're verbally abusive."

And so ends another day with the Taka.

And who was Bertha? Bertha was a lizard with a biting problem, born with seven toes, who barked.

**End.**

**

* * *

[End notes:** well, how did you like reading this piece of crack? I had fun writing it, and wanted to end the story explaining the 'horror', which was really just a weird person's lizard. I'm not sure why I wanted the Taka to get captured . . . well, I guess it's just because I want to write a sequel called 'We're Going to Mexico!' or something. It was fun writing how dense they can be when tired. And why did Suigetsu's head break the vase? Because I don't like him ;) Hope you liked it.]


	2. Sombreros, chap stick, & the whore house

**Title**: "We're Going to Mexico!"

[the epic sequel to _3 in the Morning_]

**Author**: Rot-chan / Shelby

**Prompts**: sombrero, blood, vegetables

**Rating**: T

**Summary**: Juugo's eating chap stick, Sasuke continues to get slapped by inanimate objects, and why is Suigetsu making out with his hand? The crack sequel to '3 in the Morning'.

**A/N: **I was encourage to write a sequel by fans of "3 in the Morning" - you know. that one girl., Nitrea, and DeadRatSam - so voila. I hope the final part of this piece of crack makes you laugh. It parodies and pokes fun at a few things, i.e., Karin's love for Sasuke, the Red Light district, Juugo's love for killing, etc. Please review and tell me how you like the sequel. Reviews = TLC, because there was a death in the family a few weeks ago :( [my great-grandfather].

* * *

_**Last time, with our favorite group of idio- I mean, ninja, the Taka:**_

"Sasuke. We're being SEX TRAFFIKED. To MEXICO! Or something."

"You picked the hotel, chicken ass!"

"Right, says the one with the fluidic anatomy."

"Ah, well. At least we're together," Juugo said with an unnaturally cheerful smile, which made everyone squirm uncomfortably.

Sasuke sighed. "So the hotel was a trap along. I should've known. Maybe if someone wasn't talking about how iguanas hump each other, we wouldn't be here right now!" Sasuke said. Did I mention that when he got no sleep, he developed a third (yes, a third) personality?

Karin sighed and said, "Oh, Sasuke. You're so dreamy when you're verbally abusive."

**_Now, after Sasuke's third personality made the error of choosing a hotel that secretly captures its customers and forces them into whoring, how will the Taka escape going insane from each other?_**

**_

* * *

  
_**

**Somewhere in Mexico – er, Suna, 5 AM**

It was five in the morning and once again, the Taka was in severe jeopardy. Oh, and did I mention that they're still tied up? To _each other?_

"OK. I swear to GOD. Whoever is touching my leg, I will rip off your -"

Sasuke interrupted, "Does anyone have anything to eat?"

Suigetsu stared incredulously and said, "Since when do you eat? We all thought you were a robot or something."

Juugo, who was secretly petting Karin's thigh, asked "Who wants to play a game?"

"Not Me," Suigetsu snorted, who secretly was starting to see . . . _things_ from his lack of water. Did he just giggle? And why is he starting to kiss his hand? Karin bared her teeth and hissed, "Stop fidgeting so much! You're all sweaty and sticky! God Suigetsu, you are the sickest freak I've ever met!"

After an unrecognizable seal was placed over them and their chakra, the four were very much stuck and very much going insane.

Suddenly the door opened . . . straight onto Sasuke's face. "All right, who the hell needs to take a piss?" Asked a heavy set man with a porn star mustache and a hideous sombrero.

Everyone jumped up at once, even Karin - well, except Sasuke, who lay in a pool of his own blood on the floor as Jugo stared in sick fascination, dying to use some of it as cracker spread -

- "Juugo! Quit staring at Sasuke's bodily fluids!" Karin snapped, blushing for some reason, dragging him out of the train car as Sasuke moaned rather erotically.

**---**

"Do we have to be tied up again?" Karin said as the man got out the rope.

The man looked thoughtful and rubbed his mustache and said, "Well, I guess I could get rid of the rope . . . for a** //ahem//** _price_." He waggled his enormous eyebrows in Sasuke's direction.

Karin gave Sasuke a pleading look; still dizzy from blood loss, the Uchiha sighed shakily, "I know - I know what needs tah be dun," as he unbuttoned his cloak, showing off his sexy naked chest.

"Woah, momma!" The man exclaimed, ketchup spurting from his nose . . . and his pants. Ew. "Ah, well. That's all I got time for fer now. I'll be seein' **YOU** later," the man winked and shut the door, as Sasuke stared blankly and fell into a crumpled heap on the floor. Nose bleeds can do that . . . maybe . . . .

**---**

An hour later, and the tension in the tiny train car had grown considerably.

Karin sat by herself, scowling as Suigetsu practically dry humped his own palm; Sasuke, ignoring them both, had finally stopped bleeding and was now staring blankly at the floor, lost in some gory world of his own. Juugo was in the corner, and had finally stopped talking about words that rhymed with 'MURDER' (he couldn't think of many).

Karin, the Smart one (Suigetsu was the Horny one, and Sasuke the Asexual one), noticed that her teammate was being unusually quiet.

"Ju-ugo. _What_ are you doing?" Karin asked, ignoring the strange slobbering noises coming from Suigetsu's corner. After having her chakra so out of balance, Karin couldn't stomach having to watch Suigetsu doing something so utterly vulgar. And plain freaky.

Hunched in a ball, Juugo looked over his shoulders at Karin, and she saw something shiny all over his lips.

"Ah-_HAH_! I knew it! I knew you're eating something! I knew you were hiding food from the rest of us!"

Karin, who becomes quite vicious when hungry, tried to grab whatever it was that he hid in his hands,scratching at his shoulders and screaming, "Give – it – to – ME!-"

Finally she grinned as she got her prize, but then blanched in horror as she held up a . . .

. . . half-eaten chap stick? In Peach Pout?

Suigetsu laughed.

**--- **

By 6 in the morning, Karin was reduced to a state of quietly murmuring to herself; Suigetsu had made friends with an imaginary potted plant; Sasuke was etching his final testament into the wall with the sharp part of his rollers; Juugo was licking the left over balm on his fingers; all in all, it was pretty much the lowest they'd ever been.

All at once, the train squealed to a stop.

The man from earlier, whose looks Sasuke couldn't recall after finally regaining some mental stability, led the four out, shackling their wrists in chains and leading them along; Juugo only worsened the situation when he started singing random slave songs in ridiculous baritone.

"Happy Happy Joy Joy District. . .?" Karin read the sign, painted in some weird version of half-Japanese, half-Mexican, or Suna-can, or something, over their heads.

All around them were eager men and women standing outside of seedy clubs, whore houses – and Sasuke just hoped that the woman looking at him with unshaved legs was wearing shoulder pads.

"I always wanted to be famous!" Juugo grinned as he stared at the tacky neon signs and age-old Christmas lights strung up everywhere. Karin wished she could smack her forehead.

The four were dragged into a huge building, where men and women half their age were being taken upstairs and down. Well, that's never a good sign.

"Ok. Uh . . .Chicken hair, on the left, you're goin' first." Sasuke's shackles were unchained and he was taken off by two men into a room on the left.

"Yeah Sa-sook-e! You're finally gonna lose it!" Suigetsu cheered. Juugo and Karin squirmed uncomfortably.

**---**

When Sasuke woke up, he didn't know what time it was, or why he was wearing a skirt.

Soon, it all came flooding back – there were two guys, the 'woman' with the shoulder pads . . . and some vegetables. Feeling pulp slide down his legs, Sasuke grimaced. After having an orgy with two yams, a carrot and a tomato, he was feeling rather disgusted . . . and violated.

Sasuke sighed, feeling like this was all a nightmare of some kind. How could one stupid mistake cause all of this? If only they could somehow find a way to get a trigger to break the seal . . . .

Suddenly the Uchiha fell as the mattress caved in on itself. Well, he just hoped that the others were doing better. All right, not really.

**---**

Three rooms over, Karin had miraculously overcome her label of 'Useless' (along with a few other choice words), by finding the way to break the chakra seal.

The man who had 'trafficked' them was snoring beside her, a saddle on his ass. Karin grimaced and covered up his pretty parts with the sombrero.

Karin had went through an intense round of Cowboy Rodeo – which, in actuality, consisted of the man and watching Wild West cartoons while Karin fed him cherry tarts and massaged his back. And it was so not hard taking a lamp and knocking him out.

Now, Karin had found the seal, and the key to their escape - and all she'd had to do was knock the man unconscious and loot through his stuff. She really was heroic. //cough//**not**//cough//.

**---**

Five rooms over, Juugo heard a banging noise in the closet.

Hours earlier, Juugo had been taken into the Exotic Dance room, but his Mexican party dress had split down his ass, and the mop on his head (it was the only 'wig' that fit him) had fallen off on stage. He raked in 30,000 anyway.

Unbeknownst to him, Suigetsu was forced to _role play _of all things, with a few perverted men and women, and all had been going well until his lack of water caused his fluidic 'breasts' to collapse in a pool at his feet.

Juugo got up and opened the closet door, wondering what could possibly be inside -

Screaming, he was met face to face with . . . oh, it was just Suigetsu. Tied up in a closet. It could be worse. Maybe.

**---**

It had taken five containers of gasoline - of which were all for some reason underneath a few of the beds in the whoring rooms - two dead prostitutes, and some special brownies to accomplish their getaway.

Really, all they four had done was meet up in the hallway – though Sasuke almost killed a still delirious Suigetsu after the water boy had laughed at his he-she gettup - and jump out the window after their chakras had recovered. For some reason, a few very, er,'relaxed' people in the club had lit the place on fire.

As the Taka ran out of the Red Light district, the sun low in the sky, they slowed to a jog, a strange silence between them.

"Juugo, is it weird that I found your stripper dance oddly sexy and desirable . . . ?" Suigetsu trailed off.

"Yes, Suigetsu. Yes, it is," Sasuke said, and Karin clung to his arm (and made a grope for his ass), as they set off into the sunset.

**The end. For real. **

**

* * *

**

[**End Notes:** Too much crack. It's the grand finale of '3 in the AM'. I hated writing this, yet I loved writing this. I hope you all enjoyed. Thanks so much for encouraging a sequel, for reading, reviewing, and favorting this fic. Review and tell me how you liked the ending. We all know Karin is also the Horny one (lol). Thanks for your reviews and support!!]


End file.
